I used to look at other peoples’ creative work and feel SO envious that I hadn’t done that work myself:
“I could’ve done that! I wish I had.” (Keri Smith’s Book “Wreck This Journal”)
“Oooh, she’s so funny I can’t stand it!” (The Ugly Volvo)
“Guuuh, such an awesome mix of mysticism and art.” (Kim Krans’ Animal Spirit Deck)
I would let this gut-wrenching envy stop me from even starting a project. “All the good projects have already been done,” I would think.
But once I allowed myself to make art every day, a funny thing happened.
Making art feels satisfying. It gets what’s in me out of me. Expression, yeah? Practicing artistic expression on a daily basis with no attachment to outcome gives me self-satisfaction. It allows me to see what I can and cannot do, and where my actual interests lie.
Practicing artistic expression can get me back in touch with my own voice.
Envy can provide the same information. I’ve noticed that when I’m envious of someone’s work, it’s because they are doing something that I am not allowing myself to do.
These past few days I’ve been feeling REALLY envious of Kim Krans’ work. Today during shavasana in yoga class I realized what this envy may be stemming from: I’m still hiding the mystical, spritual part of myself. I like to dress “normal,” (jeans and tee shirt) follow the rules, act (pretty much) normal, and keep the spiritual part of myself just under the surface. It’s available if I feel safe with the people around, but otherwise it’s hidden.
I think this hiding is OK in some respects, it’s not as though I want to start wearing fairy wings to pick up my kid from school– it’s not as though I need to advertise exactly who I am. But, maybe, a little more of my spiritual side, (1% as my Tai Chi teacher says) wants to flow through.
So this week I’m allowing my envy to be a clue, and I’m seeing if that clue lets me open up to a new aspect of my own voice.
Michelle Folk Johnson 