Recalibration

This Winter has been a time for inner retreat and recalibration. I’m getting over a difficult series of events in my martial arts life. Three really hard things happened in the past two years, and processing them has taken a lot of energy. The hard things were:

  1. I had a difficult break with my teacher Master Shanti in June of 2024. She did something that betrayed my trust, and when I told her that her actions were a problem for me, she got defensive and turned it around on me. She wrote me a list of all of things that I had done wrong– things she had never mentioned before. Her response felt cruel and emotionally abusive. I ended the relationship to protect myself.
  2. A man grabbed my breasts in a training situation in December 2024. When I told his teacher that the man who grabbed me was not a safe person, the teacher refused to believe me and took the man’s side. The teacher had been my friend, but after his student grabbed me he refused to talk with me about finding resolution. Talking about it was so uncomfortable for him that he told me he didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I was so hurt that he pushed me away.
  3. Our Women’s+ class got kicked out of our time slot at North Portland Martial Arts in July 2025. The teacher kicked out our class so he could teach a women’s class himself.

All of these situations had difficult emotional and psychic aftermath. I have felt drained and defeated. I’ve been having trouble getting over these things– why can’t I just move on? I think if I can’t move on, maybe there are still some things I need to process or learn.

A couple weeks ago, with these things in mind, I wrote a mental map of the “good” and “bad” things that happened in my martial arts life in the last few years. The exercise helped–I could see how the good wove into the bad, and the bad led to the good. I could also see that there was more good than bad:

Then I distilled the lessons I learned through these hard times:

The distillation helped me get out of the problems circling in my head and start reconnecting to the deep “why” of my practice. A writing friend of mine reminded our writing group recently to be “rooted in something bigger than self.” This reminder was calming, and helped pull me back into my body and out of my swirling thoughts.

The bigger thing that I root into is the earth. It’s the felt sense of the body. It is connections with others, life, spirit, nature. I can allow myself to feel the emotional pain of these wounds, and I can allow myself to feel that pain for as long as I need to.

But, at the same time, as I root into the lessons I’m learning from those painful experiences, I can begin to move forward. Slowly, so slowly, I can move a little bit forward, out of the pain and into new possibilities. I can let the pain inform me so that I’m not inflicting the same pains on my students and practice partners. I can hold space for myself and let myself feel hurt if I need to.

But along with the pain, I can allow myself to feel the joys in my practice: laughing with a training partner, making a new discovery with a student, enjoying the warming weather in outside practice. I can hold space for pain and joy, and can move forward with more wisdom and compassion than I had before.

Circular Calendar

At the end of 2025, I invited my Women’s+ students to make circular calendars with me. I’ve had this project in mind for a few years, but I hadn’t actualized until this past December. My students and I held calendar-making class over two of our regular Sunday class times–this was the first time we had a craft class as part of Portland Martial Arts & Crafts.

I got the idea for the calendar after seeing pagan “wheel of the year” calendars in some of my witch books. Those calendars are pie-like circles that show the cross quarters as an X across the circle. The cross quarters mark the solstices and equinoxes, and divide the circle into four equal slices. Pagan holidays are marked around the edges of the circle, where the pie crust would be.

I wanted my calendar to be similar to those wheels, but to list the months, and perhaps include other holidays and occasions that were meaningful to me. I also wanted to be able to mount my calendar on the wall by putting a nail in the center, so I could then turn the calendar itself as the year progressed. The calendar wasn’t meant to list appointments or even individual days. It’s more a calendar of the seasons to keep me oriented within the year. I often feel like I’m operating a little behind schedule, and things sneak up on me. The circular calendar would let me see the whole year at once, so that I could know where I was and what was coming up.

Thinking up the project in my head was pretty easy, but actually creating it in real life presented unforseen challenges. I thought I would be able to make an even circle using a rudimentary compass made from a piece of string and a pencil, but that created wobbly results. I ended up using the biggest circular object I could find (my kids’ sit n’ spin toy) and tracing a circle onto large foam core sheets.

Once my students and I traced our circles, we cut them with X-acto knives and found our circle’s center points. Then we used a triangle and ruler to mark 12 months and the 4 cross quarters (which do not line up evenly with the months!) Once we had our lines marked out, we started adding artwork to our calendars.

I knew going into the project that we would use collage as the primary art form for our calendars, so the next phase of the project involved sitting and going through magazines to find good pictures. I had forgotten how much I LOVE going through magazines for collage material, and going through magazines with my students was joyful and relaxing. Working with our hands left our voices free to talk, so we had good visiting time while we created together.

We talked about how the circle calendars reflect our daoyin and internal arts practice. In our class we talk about how the shift in seasons affects us and how the energy of the seasons changes throughout the year. Our internal arts practice is rooted in Tai Chi philosophy and Taoism, and one of my students pointed out that the calendars could track the yin and yang shifts of the seasons. Winter is maximum yin time–internal, cold, resting. Summer is maximum yang time– external, hot, active. The circle calendars reflected and supported our practice on many levels.

Despite having two class periods to finish our calendars, I still haven’t quite finished mine. The image above shows the work I completed in December, but since then I’ve added month names and more images. Always more images! I’ve added pictures of seasonal flowers and animals.

I love my calendar so far, and I’ll post another picture of the more completed version soon.

What Am I Teaching?

A few weeks ago as I was leading my martial arts class in a local park, one of my students said to me, “I just saw a friend walk by and I know he’s going to ask me later what I was doing here. I’m not sure what I should tell him. What are we learning here? What is this class called?”

Her question shocked and delighted me–she had been in my class for months and after all that time she was asking me what the class actually was. She asked for words that described what we were doing. I stammered for an answer. “Umm, well, it’s called Women’s+ Martial Arts, and we’re learning martial arts, but not in a traditional sense. We’re training some internal arts, but also some external. And some self-defense… I think you should tell your friend it’s a martial arts movement class.” I felt pretty good about my answer, but didn’t feel like it was entirely complete. I told her after class that I appreciated her question and would continue to think on it. I told her I would also start writing out our curriculum so we could all get a clearer sense of what we were learning.

My big takeaway, though, was that I needed to answer a simple, foundational question for myself and my students: What are we doing here?

I’ve been thinking about my answer ever since, and I have been thinking about how important her question was. Clarifying what we are learning and why is an important task for a teacher who wants to have good communication with her students.

I started by writing out a rough curriculum of what we practice in class:

Writing this out also helped me notice my goals for our class. In my younger days, my goals as a martial artist were much different than they are now. Back then I wanted to be tough and strong. I wanted to be a formidable fighter, win at tournaments, and get my black belt. But I also wanted to be part of a martial arts community in which we were doing internal work to become our best selves. I felt like I had all of those things for a while in my Mo Duk Pai days, but after having a baby, everything changed.

I had worked so hard to become tough and strong, but after having my son, my body was stretchy and weak. I couldn’t train as hard as I used to, but my training partners still hit me as hard as they had before. They hit me too hard, and unfortunately the culture in the school was such that I didn’t feel safe speaking up and telling my fellow students to go easier on me. That would’ve been showing too much weakness. And so, because I was afraid of getting seriously injured in training, I left Mo Duk Pai.

When I returned to martial arts with a new teacher a few years later, I started noticing how toxic and subtly sexist the culture had been in my old school. I realized that I no longer wanted to buy in to the notion of trying to be the toughest kitty in the class. I wanted to move my body joyfully and be healthy and injury-free.

My goals for my students now are informed by these past experiences. Most of all, I want my students to feel their own embodiment. I want them to notice the messages their bodies are sending them, and I want them to practice listening to their own selves. I want them to be confident and strong, but I want their strength to come from sensitivity and awareness, not toughness. I want them to know themselves well, and to have the courage to speak their own truths. I also want us to have a joyful, vibrant community based on respect and our shared personal growth.

The moves we practice are all vehicles for working on these deeper issues. Our internal arts practices allow for deep listening inside of ourselves, while our external practices help us in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. We practice moving martially to defend ourselves, but also to keep our bodies flexible and agile as we age.

So, the core of what I teach is embodiment, mindfulness, and standing up for ourselves. In this sense, martial arts is simply the context for working on a deeper connection with ourselves and each other.

Femm Fighting May 2025

On May 17th, 2025, Jaydra Perfetti and I hosted our second Femm Fighting at Southwest Portland Martial Arts. We had so much fun! This time around we had organizing help from Lark Pien and Shelby Scott, two wonderful local martial artists who also agreed to be our teachers for the day. 

We were so glad to have five folks from Seven Star Women’s Kung Fu in Seattle join our event. They brought with them a spirit of joy and camaraderie that spread throughout the group. We also had a great group of local martial artists, including some returning attendees from the first Femm Fighting.

We opened the event by sharing our names, pronouns, and martial arts styles. Shelby also suggested we share our “Martial Arts Persona,” which added a fun element to the opening circle. Some of them were “Annoying Sibling,” “Superhero,” and “Sneaky.”

Shelby, a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu teacher, led our first class. She showed us defensive maneuvering from the guard position that had us using our feet in ways most of us had never thought to. The moves were so new and fun that soon we were all rolling with laughter. Shelby taught at a great pace and answered our many questions with clear demonstrations and patience. Being in a room full of experienced, dedicated martial artists who had great control and thoughtful questions felt nourishing and grounding.

For our next class Lark, an internal arts teacher, led us through a breathing exercise that had us breathing in through the ground up into our bodies. This created a lovely connection in our bodies and a peaceful sense of togetherness as we stood and attended to our breathing together. Lark next led us in an exercise where we got to feel the subtle power that we tap into when we allow our joints to open. The power of the internal arts can feel like magic, and this joint opening partner exercise helped us feel internal force with each other in a tangible way.

After Lark’s class we took time for snack (yay!) and discussion (also yay!). Jaydra opened discussion by pointing out that the work of the martial artist is the same as the work of liberation and anti-oppression. As martial artists we are looking to know ourselves really well so that we can stand up for ourselves. We learn to cultivate our own awareness, power, and control so that we can use them effectively to make positive change in ourselves and the world around us. Jaydra posed 4 questions, one at a time, and we went around in a circle to offer our answers.

The discussion questions were:

  1. Martial arts learning is more often than not influenced by hierarchy. How can we adjust that system and structure to make sure each person’s value is recognized and appreciated, and the folks “at the top” are not raising themselves up by pushing others down?
  2. What are you doing to nurture your liberation and anti-oppression work:
    1. In your own heartspace?
    2. In your dojo or school?
    3. In the greater world or other parts of your life?

The answers from the group were wide-ranging and mind-expanding. Being in a group full of caring people who are doing the hard work of liberation was deeply inspiring. The discussion was meaty and thoughtful— you can read the full discussion notes here.

After our discussion, we stretched our bodies and headed into open mat and sparring time. I set the stage for open mat by going over expectations and how to make agreements with partners. At the last Femm Fighting folks felt that the open mat time was too short, so this time we allowed a little more time for open play. Much better! People practiced sparring, forms, jiu jitsu, and other martial arts partner exercises. I led this part of the event by calling 3 minute rounds with 2 minute breaks in between. We tend to be a chatty, social bunch, so the in-between round time allowed us time to recap and talk with each other a bit before going into our next fighting exercises. Everyone demonstrated good communication and good control—we had a safe and joyful open mat time.

After open mat, we circled up and closed out the event by saying our names and styles once more, and sharing something we were taking away from the event. After a short seated meditation, we closed out our group. Then, a group of us went to a delicious food cart dinner. What fun!

Our next Femm Fighting is planned for October 4th, 2025. We hope you will be able to join us!

Femm Fighting Discussion, May 2025

For our May 2025 Femm Fighting, Jaydra led us in a discussion about how we dismantle systems of oppression in the martial arts and in the greater world. The topic was a big one, and our group rose to the challenge and offered thoughtful insights. Being part of such a dedicated group of people who are doing the difficult work of liberation and anti-oppression was humbling and inspiring.

Jaydra’s notes from our discussion are below.

* * * * * *

Here was the lead-in and prompt:
The work of liberation and anti-oppression is the same as the work of martial arts. In both cases we must practice.

Each school/style has their own methods and philosophies for how to make the journey from beginner to black belt, but the end goal is still the same: know yourself more fully so you can know the world more fully.  Martial arts is self-development, which is the same work we all need to do to take down the systems of oppression our society currently runs on.  The greater martial arts community is perfectly situated to act as a leader in the quest for racial justice and other forms of equity.

For example, situational awareness is the most important base skill for practical self-defense.  It is also one of the most useful skills while attending a protest or giving public testimony on a piece of proposed legislation.  And it is vital for dismantling systems of oppression within myself and in society because I have to be able to see what is really happening, I cannot just rely on the narrative offered by those currently in power.

A commitment to life-long learning is also a good example.

Partner work is another great example because none of us exist in a vacuum.

Community & solidarity are critical to liberation and anti-oppression.

Question:
Martial arts is mostly structured in a hierarchy, how can we adjust that system and structure to make sure each person’s value is recognized and appreciated and the folks “at the top” are not raising themselves by pushing others down?

Answers from the group:
School is governed by a committee with reps of all belts from white to black.

Formal policies & structure for grievances. Process for when someone has an issue.

Maintaining a “beginners mindset” as a senior student and teacher.

Free flowing information. Access to info at any belt level.

Asking “what does it mean to be in charge?”

Freedom to ask questions and an environment that doesn’t shut that down.

Leadership to stay open to listening to feedback and concerns.

Personal mission to show up & be in a situation that sucks and practice being okay.

Transparency of process from leadership.

Knowing our lineage and history.

It’s hard to learn when you’re scared.

Practitioners who are also speaking out when it’s needed about what they see as issues

Question (multi-part):
What are you doing in your personal heart space and/or dojo to nurture community and support your liberation & anti-oppression efforts? How are taking your martial arts skills and practice out into the greater world or in other parts of your life?

Answers from the group:
Putting on my invisible anti-bro poncho.

Self measurement of, “am I in a place to be a safe partner?” Recognizing I’m more dangerous when I’m scared.

Going out in nature. Having class outside.

When feeling disempowered or out of control, controlling what I can control about my body (like going to a martial arts class).

Consider the cultural appropriation aspect of our martial arts lineage.

Epsom salt bath.

Choose not to attend a class taught by a certain person.

Take notes & publish zines.

Monthly Qigong sessions at tender Loving Empire.

Make sure I leave my house every day.

Sing loudly in the car.

Only listening to the news in specific short timeframes.

Teaching. Passing on knowledge & helping other people feel more empowered.

Gardening. Walking around the garden and touching all the plants. Digging in the dirt.

Giving yourself space to cry and feel your feelings.

Going to class.

Mindfulness practice.

Talking to the wind.

Delete social media.

Sitting on my couch and doing nothing and valuing that just as much as doing stuff.