When Trump was elected president in 2016, I had a bit of a mental breakdown.
My daughter was a baby. On election night I thought we were about to witness our country voting in its first woman president. We didn’t. I cried. Instead we voted in a man who admitted to grabbing women by the crotch. I thought there was no way that our country could vote in a sexual abuser. I was wrong. I was terrified for my future and for my daughter’s future. During Trump’s presidency the news was so traumatic that I had to stop listening to it. My body was full of new-mom hormones and feeling things extra-deeply. I couldn’t be filled with panic and still be a good mom to my baby. So I stopped watching and listening to the news entirely. I let current events filter in to me through Weekend Update on SNL or my friends.
It’s election night again, and I’m terrified all over again. I pray to God that Kamala Harris wins, but I’m very afraid she will not. Earlier today I was stuck in a loop of hating myself for not doing more for Kamala’s campaign. The loop was frightening. Thankfully, though, I had scheduled a meeting with my therapist for today. She said that when the unthinkable might happen, or happens, one way that humans try to get control is to think “if only I had done this, then the unthinkable wouldn’t have happened.” It was helpful to hear that angle. That angle, knowing that my mind is just searching for control, is what is keeping me from re-entering that loop of self-criticism.
My therapist also said that whatever happens, it is important that we keep doing the daily work that is meaningful to us. That idea of doing meaningful work is keeping me tethered to the ground right now. I can still teach respect, I can still stand up for what I believe, I can still be a role model for the kids in my life.
I also still have my community. All around me there are people who hold the same values and beliefs that I do. I know that I am not alone.
Michelle Folk Johnson 