My tai chi teacher says that the art of tai chi, and the philosophy behind it perhaps, is all about harmonizing polarizations. And we always start by harmonizing polarizations in the self. One way to think of polarizations is to think in terms of projections and hollows–places in our self where we are projecting too much or too hollowed out. Each projection has a corresponding hollow. The projection or hollow can be mental, emotional, spiritual, physical.
As a martial artist, I’m especially interested in the physical manifestation of projections and hollows. In order to conduct energy cleanly through our bodies, say for a strike, we want the cleanest physical and energetic body structure we can muster. Imagine your striking arm is a hose. In order for a hose to transmit energy cleanly, in this case, water, it needs to be open and more or less straight. Once there is a kink in the hose, the water energy can’t get through and gets stuck. That kink is a projection/hollow.
In martial arts we call the energy running through our bodies chi. If our arm is kinked in a way that is causing a projection or hollow, our chi can’t get through, it gets stuck in our bodies, and the strike doesn’t come out clean. Our main concern, though, is not that the strike to the opponent won’t be effective, it’s that we will injure ourselves from repeatedly striking in a way that is not healthy for our bodies. I believe that a lot of martial arts injuries are a result of repeated stress on misaligned bodies, joints especially.
On a more mental or psychological level, though, I find it so deeply interesting to notice where in my life I’m struggling with opposing parts of self. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, and now I am, and I find it terrifically exhausting and occasionally soul-crushing. And yet, I still want to be a mom. (Just, could I have more days off?) I feel like I’m really good at a lot of things, but also never good enough. And all my issues around my dad and money? That stuff is an internal battle of deep, conflicting beliefs about self-worth, sexist family roles, and stress vs. relaxation.
So, maybe this mental battle is why it’s good to get out of my head and back into my body. My teacher believes it all comes back to the body anyway, and I tend to agree. The internal struggle in my body right now, the place where I have the most to grow, is my upper back. Sometimes in my practice I can relax and open my upper back, and I feel the support of my teacher and all of those who are behind me. It is a beautiful, rested-in feeling, a feeling of love and belonging. And yet, it feels too good to be true, so I don’t trust it, and rest back into the tension of trying to project my heart forward, out of my chest.
This heart projection is from a place of need, but is also attached to pride. It is a desperate seeking of love and attention, and a need to feel worthy of that love and attention. The hollow behind it feels like I’m desperately trying to catch something that is always too far away. The way this particular polarization plays out is that when I come to people wanting something from that place of need, they find it distasteful, and they don’t want to offer me what I’m asking for.
But when I rest in to the back, allow my heart to settle down into my pelvis, and find the harmony in the clarity of my back alignment, that feeling of love and support comes over me. The feeling comes from the ground up, behind me, like a cloak of flowers is blooming around behind me and up over my back. I feel loved, at peace, and neediness disappears. And even though I may be by myself, I don’t feel alone, but connected to everything around me.
Michelle Folk Johnson 