Mom Squad

My friend J and I showed up at Holocene last night to go 80’s 90’s aerobics dancing, and as we arrived, a whole squad of other women was showing up. They were dressed to the nines in their aerobics gear: sweatbands, leotards, legwarmers, sequins, the whole nine. J and I were dressed up too, and I waved a big happy hello. They waved a big happy hello back–it turned out they were J’s friends that we were meeting. We commented on each others’ outfits, J caught up on chit chat with them, I introduced myself, then we took a rad group photo.

We entered the club soon after 7pm, and soon we were all aerobicizing together in our silly and wonderful outfits. Our group of ten or so made up the bulk of the crowd, and we brought an ebullient spirit. We dutifully followed the moves of our instructor, who made it known that she was not only unqualified to lead our class, she was also completely untrained. She sipped her aperol spritz between exercise moves.

Our unqualified, untrained instructor.

I watched us moms bounce around with glee, happy to follow a leader, aerobicizing in unison, stretching our arms over our heads in big, sweeping movements, then practicing a grapevine all together. Our instructor would lead the group for maybe ten minutes or so, then she would leave us on our own as the music and projected aerobics videos continued. When the was gone, some of us kept following the videos, some of us spun ourselves into our own dance worlds, some of us pranced around with friends.

All of us danced in earnest, faces serious then smiling, like we all had something we needed to work out on the dance floor. Something we needed to let go of, some stress that could be set free by bold makeup, sparkles, and jumping jacks. The something for each of us was different, but we were connected, we understood the deep need to shake it off as we bounced around the floor and let our hearts get lighter together.

Why I Practice Martial Arts

My tai chi teacher asked me recently why I continue to train in martial arts, and what I want to get out of my training.

I told her, “I just want to keep training.”

There are endless mysteries to uncover within tai chi training. Uncovering mysteries and feeling a deeper sense of connection with the world are why I train.

She said, “Well that’s good. You’re not saying that you want to have ‘power over’ something, which is why a lot of people train.”

I felt in that moment like I’d passed a little test. Like I’d said the ego-free thing to say, and that it had come from a true place. I felt a buzz of contentment.

Partly, though, my answer came from a place of injury. I had to stop training in my last art because I kept getting physically hurt. Plainly put, my partners and I were hitting each other too hard in the name of toughness. I saw how our training was beginning to break our bodies. How some of my former teachers had had major injuries and were needing joint surgeries. I suspected some of these surgeries were necessary due to years of grinding bones in unhealthy ways.

In my new art, I have found a practice that offers more healing than harm. So when I said to my teacher that I just want to keep training, I was also speaking to longevity in the martial arts. If our art breaks us, we will need to stop our art. If our art heals us, we are allowed to continue practicing.

I don’t want to be broken. I want to keep going.

Hothead

After I went off on a rant about something or other one evening, I told the martial arts training partner I was with that I was sorry if I went off for too long. I’m just a real hothead sometimes, I told them.

“But you’re trying not to be,” this training partner said back. It was generous of them.

“Uhh, yeah…” I nodded, but also I thought … “… that’s not really true….”

I AM a hot head. I get angry. I see this as a strength and a weakness.

I feel like I can’t HELP in some ways that I am a hothead, but also, it’s because I grew up in a house with a really angry father, so anger was currency. If I can get the angriest and the loudest, I can win.

ANYWAY, when I was done training that night and back home, maybe it was even days later I thought to myself about the situation and arrived at my own resolution:

I’m not trying ‘not to be’ a hothead.

I’m allowing myself to be a hothead.

And I am enjoying it.

Meanwhile, I am listening carefully

for how to best

and most peacefully

channel that energy

into my art.