Scared of Everything

The last couple years, I feel like I’ve been scared of everything. This fear seems to be, in part, a function of grief. The grief of losing my father in 2020, the grief of my mom having a stroke in 2021. The grief of seeing the country I love move in terribly inhuman directions. The grief of a few stormy years of marriage, followed by the toil of reclaiming peace amid the storm.

I’m tired. I shut down a couple years ago. I’m un-shutting down now. Opening back up.

Starting to check email again (I’ve been afraid of receiving bad news or learning I’ve done something wrong.)

Starting to go on social media again (I’ve been afraid my friends are upset with me for various, vague reasons.)

Starting to ponder my career again (I’ve been afraid that I couldn’t work out the scheduling of my work with my family.)

Things are less scary, but the tracks that the fear laid inside me are still tracks that my train is tempted to travel on.

I pick up my train. I set it under the covers and I let it rest. Once it has rested, I set it on the new track. It moves forward slowly.

My Streak Ended

My blogging streak ended three days shy of my goal to blog every day for a month. Or two days shy, considering this is a month with 30 days (my habit tracker has 31, and I started on August 23rd, so, math.)

My streak ended because I traveled to Ann Arbor and stayed in my mom’s retirement castle, where I did not know the wifi password. My strokey mom is an unreliable source for wifi passwords, and it was late at night, so after I tried to see if I could log in to WordPress on my phone (I couldn’t), I let my daily post slide that day.

Then I was really in the groove of being in Ann Arbor visiting family and getting ready to play in the alumni band for the homecoming game, so I let myself off the hook for finishing my blog post magic sticker habit tracker month.

I loved blogging every day– having a constant flow of expression helped ease my creative constipation. I feel fine that I ended a few days early.

Hm, so, homecoming was amazing.

Like, one of the best days of my life.

Even better than last year, because MORE of my band friends were there this year.

I invited them. And some just showed up on their own.

That just leads me to think that if I invite even MORE friends NEXT year, it’ll be even MORE fun. And I can just keep doing that, every year. On and on into eternity or until we’re all super old and dead and can no longer play our instruments.

That’s just really a nice thing to look forward to.

Go Blue.

Strategy for Homecoming

The Michigan Marching Band (MMB) requires that I show up for all rehearsals and call times to be a part of the Homecoming Alumni Band. I can do that.

I have practiced marching. I know I can do that, too.

I have NOT practiced saxophone.

I like to see how quickly I can pick it back up after not practicing for a year. Having to learn songs again really quickly is kind of a fun little test for my brain. Plus, I remember that when I was in the MMB, the alumni generally sounded a little rusty. The bar is not as high for us as it is for the actual band, and this is part of what makes it so fun to be in alumni band.

The expectations are low but the nostalgia quotient is high.

Go Blue!

Almost a Month

I’ve almost met my goal of blogging every day for a month. Sometimes my posts are kind of garbage, like this one, but there are good stories in many of them. I’m practicing not needing to be such a perfectionist all the time.